The Most Entertaining Reviews Ever
by Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR
Summary: Reading massive flames can be as funny as reading humor fics. So why not have that be a fic itself? No offense meant to anyone. I was feeling slightly cynical when I wrote this. Now in the Misc Section. Rated for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

The Most Entertaining Reviews Ever

Brought to you by Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR

Summary: Reading massive flames can be as funny as reading humor fics. So why not have that be a fic itself? No offense meant to anyone. I was feeling slightly cynical when I wrote this.

* * *

Yep, you read that right. Tired of looking for funny flames around fanfiction dot net? Then just read this story, and you'll find them in no time. For example, here's one from a person by the name of 'An Writer', for a story called 'My Immortal.' AKA: The Worst fanfic in the world.

...In fact, most of the reviews for this chapter will be from My Immortal.

* * *

_Your douchebaggery is legendary even in hell. A thousand retarded monkey's shitting on the keys of a thousands typewriters, couldn't hope to match the level of retarded shittyness so evident in your work._

_This isn't a piece of writing; It's a cum stain._

* * *

Tell me you didn't laugh reading that.

Next is one from a review called 'Someone'.

I'm not kidding. That's the real name.

* * *

_You are a fucking, shitty ass troll. Your whore-iffic Mary Sue Enoby/Ebony/Slut/Whatever the fuck her name is a a goddamn P0SER bitch and ... yeah. And she can go jump into a ditch and die. I don't even know why I just wasted precious minutes of my life reading this shit and typing this review as none of the other ones seem to have gotten to your mentally retarded head._

_And now for the conclusion. This thing sucked shit and its even famous for being the most shittest written fanfiction ever. Seriously let everone else write them not you. Also you give a bad name to Linkin Park and the other bands mentioned in your piece of your shit fanfiction._

* * *

Damn.

Some people can be real cruel, can't they?

But that just gives the rest of us some entertainment.

Anyway, here's the next one. This time, it's from a person called, and I quote...

MY EYES OMFG! MY EYES!!

Really.

* * *

_Sweetie, listen these people have a point, I'm 14 and you put writers in my age group to shame.  
You need to think before you write about Enoby/Ebony/WTF?/Mary-sue Okay?  
Not all people here actually like "OMG LOL IT WAS LIEK MALFOY OMFG!"  
We want stories well written, WITHOUT character rape, and without this Ebony chick turning EVERYBODY you like gothic.  
here's a couple of reasons why people don't like your story:_

_1: GOTH ALL OVER THE PLACE! there maybe a majority of goths and emos on , but even they like a well written story._

_2. SATAN WORSHIP! In case you haven't noticed He's EVIL kid. Also nobody (with a head) likes the devil. He eats babies, rapes women, and would probably stick a pitchfork up your arse._

_3.WRITING STYLE! Nobody would ever publish a story written via TXT, okay, to tell the truth, I couldn't even understand half of your story._

_4. SHITTY SEX SCENES! Innocent, Innocent bloodywrists, how you need to get laid.  
Sex isn't like porn, porn is a bad substitute for sexual satisfaction.  
I was watching Oprah one day and she had some doctor talking about Sex. Sex (for women) is emotional, while for guys it's Physical.  
So please put some time and EFFORT into your sex scenes not to short (like a sentence) or to long (like twelve chapters). Now I may be young as well, but even I know what ejaculation is and how spell masturbation._

_5.bands! half of them are EMO. Goth is the forefather of Emo, just as punk was the forefather of Goth, now I know goths, punks, and emos, some of these people are Christian you know.  
So the music NO GOOD._

_6.MARY SUE! This is more annoying than ANYTHING ELSE. To YOU she mabye special, but to other writers NOT SO!  
Also you could make some very good changes.  
Try the UNIVERSAL Mary sue test and it's many counterparts (there are many Harry potter tests around these days) so please do try it I want to HELP YOU.  
And I am not trying to flame you, as flaming is a waste of yours and my time._

_7. Constant swearing! Its a nuisance, especially to those under age or those who are easily offended.  
A GOOD work of fanfiction is like a GOOD piece of fan art, beautiful with well drawn figures, clever use of photo shop, and above all, a deep love for YOUR fandom, and lots of TLC into the final piece of artwork. Where as this fic is poop smeared on a wall._

_8.PREPZ!1! Do you REALLY think a prep would even bother using , preps are absorbed with other peoples opinions and their illusion of power. I don't think preps would even have a fandom (unless it was degrassi junior high) but even then, how would they find you, I found you by looking up worst fanfic ever then hitting I'm feeling lucky button on google.  
If anything YOU would be a prep because you constantly respond to pathetic flames._

_Now don't go calling me a prep because I am a perfect example of a dork, I like starwars and if you have a problem with that don't go all "LOL YOUSA PREPZ" Becase you sound like jar jar binks gone wrong.  
So PLEASE take my advice, and rewrite this piece of fanfiction before some high up writer deletes it._

* * *

At least she gave some advice.

Moving on, the next one is from SuziACID.

* * *

_Personally, I think I would rather projectile vomit against the wind than read any more of this drivel._

_If it isn't obvious now, from the sheer amount of reviews - most of which informing you of your stupidity - I think it's time you took some advice from yourself, and slit your WRISTS._

_I have to say that i'm proud to be part of the Gothic subculture, and frankly, it's people like you who are posers, whiny, attention-seeking little brats, who give us "Goths" a bad name.  
You say you like Satan?  
Can you say you actively participate in attending a Satanic church, and/or own the Satanic Bible?_

_I openly say that I am NOT a Satanist (I am in fact Atheist) - and if you cared to look beneath the surface - you would find that no all "Goths" are Satanists - you merely project yourself that way because you clearly want to be part of the culture, and are clearly failing miserably._

_Also - Goths do not all actively participate in self-mutilation._

_"Fave muzik: GC, MCR, Evinezenz, Linin prak, BLINK183, mraliyn manson, panik at da desko, fal out boy, from first 2 last, hothorne hites, all da odder goofik bandz"_

_Good Charlotte - could be classed as gothic.  
MCR - Emo. Not goth. EMO.  
Evanescence - Rock Opera/Goth.  
LINKIN Park - Not Goth.  
BLINK 182 - Not Goth.  
MARILYN MANSON - Well done! You found a Gothic Band!  
Panic at the Disco. - Scene/Emo. Not Goth.  
Fall out Boy - Emo/Scene. Not Goth.  
From First To Last - EMO. NOT GOTH.  
Hawthore Heights - EMO. NOT GOTH._

_And - All these bands "muggle". This is the work JKRowling has Wizards use to describe NON-MAGIC people.  
Draco Malfoy WOULD NOT KNOW ABOUT GOOD CHARLOTTE._

_You did not spell VOLDEMORT correctly throughout the WHOLE fanfiction.  
You seem incapable of spelling "bitch" either. Or Ebony for that matter.  
Severus and Snape are one entity i.e. Severus Snape. Fool.  
Harry's godfather is "SIRIUS" not Serious.  
Veritaserum is colourless - not black. I pity the person swallowing black Veritaserum - it would probably eat out their insides.  
Draco Malfoy's father is LUCIUS MALFOY. NOT "Luscious" or "Lucian".  
HAGRID. Not Hargrid.  
Dumbledore! Not Dumblydore.  
The caretaker is Mr Filch - not Mr Norris. He does however have a cat named MRS Norris.  
Witches and Wizards would not need guns. They have a lovely curse for wiping out people.  
Draco was slitting his wrists outside the school right? If I was slitting my wrists and someone asked if i was okay, I seriously dount I would be replying with "I guess so"_

_You have no sense of sentence structure, go to classes or something._

_Oh yes, I nearly forgot. Leave Tim Burtons work out of this.  
I'd also love to find out where you can buy "homophones" they sound intriguing._

_To complete this rant, I believe that you and your friend "Raven" should be shot. But only after a little Chinese Water Torture._

* * *

Wow.

Wanting someone to get shot just because they wrote a bad fanfic.

Brilliant.

Second to last one is from Kaishi no Kokuei.

* * *

_I must commend you for posting as many chapter as you did...even if it was complete and utter shit..._

_...You give many people on this site enough confidence to say 'Hey, at least my story doesn't make people commit suicide.'_

_I felt myself wanting to gouge my eyes out with a plastic spork...this is comparable to stomping on a poor helpless innocent baby...with cleats...metal cleats...with razor sharp points..._

_Well you offically her 'Worst FanFiction Ever' Award...Hell I think you should get a statue in your honor in recognition of being the lowest excuse of a living being...to ever exist..._

* * *

'Nuff said.

And the final one, not to mention my favorite, is this one, written by WissyWig.

* * *

_"Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."_

_This is my new favorite sentence in the history of the English language._

_No, wait..._

_"He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko."_

_THIS is my new favorite sentence in the history of the Engl--oh, but wait..._

_"We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)"_

_This HAS to be the best sentence EVER written. I mean, how can you possibly top..._

_"Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face."_

_Damn, girl! How do you do it? Every sentence is like a Shakespearian sonn..._

_"Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!"_

_Oh God...stop, please! You're killing me..._

_"stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!"_

_AH HAHAHAHA! Brilliant! (Wow. Look at all the pretty red underlining.)_

_"Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked."_

_Oh sweet Lorelei..._

_"Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme." he said."_

_""Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!""_

_I'm just so jeluz uv yu._

_""Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?""_

_Mary-Sue who?_

_"She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic."_

_Okay, I think now I'm getting scared._

_"We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song."_

_Tara Ebony Enoby Enony Eboby Ennoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Malaprop has more you-know-what in this story than I've had in my entire LIFE. Maybe I should try the Count Chocula (GOD I love that)._

_"I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces..."_

_Now THIS. THIS is definitely my favorite sentence ever written or uttered in the entire history of language itself. You can't POSSIBLY beat..._

_"He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!1!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1" I screemed passively as he got an eructation."_

_And yet, somehow, she did. I don't see how this can get any bett..._

_"How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?"  
""U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!""  
"I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif."  
"He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it."_

_I give up. I can't keep up with you, honey. Genius. Pure absolute unadulterated genius._

_""Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister._

_"Bye bitch." I said waving."_

_Ahh. If I had a nickel for every time my professors and I had similar exchanges._

_"Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. "OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep."_

_Ah hahahaHAHAHA! Oh, I HATE it when that happens._

_"I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer."_

_The new mixed drink taking bars by storm across Hogsmeade. Apparently._

_""ohh." now everything was making sense for me."_

_Well, that makes one of us._

_"Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1"_

_Hahaha! Tippecanoe and Darth Vader too!_

_"In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol"_

_NO! Not the Count Chocula!_

_""Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." "And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." "_

_Seriously. 'Cause being a spy and a "Death Dealer" is one thing. But a POSER? That's just unacceptable._

_"I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out."_

_Nope. This is it. THIS is the one. I'm tattooing this on my body somewhere. This is the best, the greatest, the most phantasmagorically fanatically fantabulous sentence ever created. Seriously. Absolutely delicious._

_""Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily."  
OH thank goodness._

_"OMG am I Dedd??""  
Whoops, maybe not. Hee._

_"He had bleched blond hair"_

_From the eructation, most likely._

_""Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails."_

_Wow. Even Satan is emo.  
I didn't know._

_"He looked more young den he did in da future."_

_You know, that happens even to the best of us._

_"I explained 2 her why I was alive."_

_Could you fill us in then, please?_

_"Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol."_

_Girls can carry guns too, you know. Err, wait...oh. Nevermind. /_

_"I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!!"_

_Oh man. Don'tcha just hate people who are prejudiced against rope? It's so preppy._

_"We were so scarred!!1"_

_As are we, honey. As. Are. We._

_"Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma"_

_And FINALLY!! SHE FINDS A COMMA!_

_"I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent."_

_Wellp? I can't do it. I just can't. I went through all 44 chapters (yes, I did) and I keep finding new and better sentences, more deliciously descriptive adverbs, and thousands upon thousands of dead brain cells, once functional, jumping out of various orifices, desperate in their attempt to escape the torture. You see I, too, am a sadist. So please, PLEASE, I beg of you...write more. You must. You MUST._

_"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik)  
actshelly (geddit, hell)  
black die (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik)  
"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik)  
"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)  
"Fangs." I said. (geddit? koz ur goffik? We GET it. WE BLOODY GET IT.)_

_Final Reviewer's Note: Ellipses. They can be your ally, or they can be your enemy. Use them wisely, my friend._

_I don't think that could have been any better. Seriously._

_And now I'm off to get a lif._

_Fangz so very much for the eructation._

* * *

You can just _feel _the sarcasm oozing out of this review, can't you?

That's all for now. Stay tune for more in the future. And Catch you next continue!


	2. Chapter 2

The most Entertaining Reviews Ever

Brought to you by: Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR

Before I begin, I just want to let you know that these so-called reviews aren't ones that I've received, nor are they ones that I've written myself. I just wanted to show you some funny flames from various fics so that you could all have a laugh. Anyway, the next batch are from a story called '100 Things I hate about Naruto.' Here's the first one from, Krystallos Dragon.

Oh, and unlike most of the other flames from 'My Immortal', I actually agree with these ones.

* * *

_I'm just say a few things to you. Like my friends Luvtoushirou14, Yoruichi1120, Mikami-is-sexy have already done. But I'm going say this much blunter and simple enough for your few chromosomes-short-of-a-brain can understand._

_You are a Racist, Sexist, disgusting, pathetic, idiotic, rude, retarded, shit-faced-jackass, and above all else you make demons look like saints._

_Your grammar is atrocious. I just have one question...Did your mother drop you on your fricken head when you were young? Did she kick you out? Are you so desperate to insult people, that you do it on the internet were your so-called safe to do so?_

_Why are you even on this site in the first place? If you hate this stuff so much, go live in a cave, you'll never have to deal with this stuff then. You almost have my sympathy, really you do, I mean your just...Sad really._

_I'm out, and I hope you get some help, cause your really going to need it before you end up causing the biggest internet war since I don't know when. Peace._

* * *

Harsh. But if you read the fic, you'll see why I agree with this.

Next is one from, luvtoushirou14. Short and Sweet.

* * *

_okay...YOU STUPID ASS DUMB MOTHER FUCKER! I HOPE YOU GET YOUR FUCKIN' DICK CHOPPED OFF AND SERVED TO YO DAMN DOG!_

* * *

Truly entertaining. Short, sweet, and to the point. Next is from one called Trumpet-Geek.

* * *

_I know why people like you write this stuff, and it's because you want attention. I probably shouldn't even be sending this review in because it would be giving in to what you want, but oh well, I'm going to anyway because it's a legit review.  
_

_First of all, your grammar and spelling sucks. Do you not understand how spellcheck works? Have you ever taken an English class before? Seems like those are both a resounding NO._

__

Second of all, I'm not going to comment on your content because, like I said, it's obvious you wrote it for attention.

_Good luck with all the rest of your failures._

* * *

More proof that you don't need to use Capital Letters in every other word to get your point across. And finally, here is the last one, from Light of Shunshin_._

* * *

_There is a reason no girl shows her pussy, its because it isn't targeted at people who would want to jack-off to hentai.  
_

_All that rape shit, yeah, laugh it up now, because everyone else will be the ones laughing when you are in prison with your cell mate being a gay serial rapist._

__

Naruto isn't yaoi, no matter how much you want it to be.

Your grammar is atrocious, you can't even properly use cuss words, which isn't hard to do, and you use fag and gay so loosely that it could fit fifteen different definitions.

I don't know where you get off saying that they are Asian, they don't have to be, your just being a dumb ass.

If you don't have anything smart to say, don't say anything at all.

You are more redundant than a two year old on a sugar high.

You obviously have no real sex life, as you constantly pointed out that you wanted to see anime girls having sexually exposed.

You are many times more pedophilic than any on the show, as you are 17 and want to see the of twelve year olds.

You say that all the hot females turn out to be boys... yeah, I don't even need to say anything, do I?

Your several "I hate Naruto"'s can't be considered reasons to hate Naruto.

Counting the redundancy and "I hate Naruto"'s, you only have 99 reasons, the "100 things I hate about Naruto" isn't a reason.

Despite the fact you hate Naruto, you watched it.

You saying "if any of these faggots came to my school the black guys here would be kicking their asses and raping their women." is racist because you say all the black kids are violent rapists, I have black friends and acquaintances that would rather kill themselves than do that.

_All in all, since everything you seem to have said about Naruto can be applied to you, you are therefor calling yourself a fan. So I have concluded that you are just talking about yourself as if you were the anime/manga Naruto._

* * *

That's telling 'em! Anyway, to show you why I agree with all of these reviews, here are some sentences from the fic itself.

* * *

_100 things I hate about Naruto_

_Two boys kiss in the very first episode_

_All of the fans are fucking insane_

_all of the fans are clinically retarted_

_all of the fans_

_the characters act nothing like human beings_

_it promotes yaoi themes_

_the creator is a fucking pussy_

_the creator of Naruto sells out and includes yaoi themes just to sell more shit because hes a fucking sell out and a retard just like square enix and Final Fantasy About Gay Sex_

_Its fucking gay_

_I lost 3 friends irl to naruto._

_It god damn makes real life retards wanna be ninjas_

_it promotes emo_

_it promotes homosexual behavior_

_its racist against black people_

_THERE IS NOT ONE NIGGA ON THE WHOLE SHOW._

* * *

I'm just gonna stop there. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Oh, and I only update this when I'm in a bad mood, so it won't be updated too often. And to answer your question, I DIDN'T write 'My Immortal'. But the one who did is a legend. Anyway, catch you next continue!

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	3. A Very Special Chapter

The most Entertaining Reviews Ever

Brought to you by: Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR

* * *

_So, you like flames, huh? So here is mine, put it on the next chap._

_I don't really care if the stupid person that wrote the god damm fanfic didn't know grammar, sex, rape or whatever. If he/she was a retarded, emo, racist bitch. And I don't even care if you were in a bad mood on the day YOU wrote this shit._

_But there is no fun on exposing people like that. I know, you'll say you weren't the one who wrote the shitty story nor the stupid flames, but you exposed all of them and also made fun of the writer._

_I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like to be treaten this way. And if this doesn't make any sense to you, you are simply the one to kill yourself, not the person that wrote 'My Immortal'._

_I don't know what is worse: to write a non-PC story, in all possible ways; or to write a... (I would say critic, but that would be too polite... I have no words to describe the useless thing of writing a flame, not making me an exception. I am, in fact, losing my time with a demental creature);_

_As most of the flame writers, I'm just going to summarize it in two word: FUCK YOU._

* * *

...Wow.

I knew that it was going to be a matter of time before I got flamed for this.

But once again...

Wow.

Okay, let's pick apart this review, just to see which things are true...

And which things are complete bullshit.

First off...the thing in the review that says that I was making fun of the writer of 'My Immortal'.

Point out to me exactly where I did such a thing.

If you actually BOTHERED to pay attention to the chapter, you'd see that I didn't insult the writer at all.

Not even once.

And when I said that 'My Immortal' was the worst fanfic in the world, I wasn't saying that to be mean. I was simply stating a fact. You can go to google, type in 'Worst Fanfiction in the world', and it'll be at the top of the searches.

And also, if you were talking about the little comments that I placed in between the flames...then you obviously have no talent for sensing scarcasm, do you? If anything, I was being rude towards the people who wasted their time writing those reviews (except for the last one. I mean, really. How could you NOT like that one?).

Second, you say that no one likes being exposed or '_treaten_' (I don't know if you were trying to spell 'threatened' or 'treated'. Remember, spell-check is your friend) like that.

To that, I have a question for you.

Have you SEEN the author's profile?

If not, here it is, in all its glory.

* * *

_Im Tara. Im a Satanistr and if u dont lik me coz of dat den FUK OFF!. if ur a prep or a pozr den fuk off 2 koz ur gay!! here r sum fingz u shud no abot me._

_likez: gothz, being goffik, satan, punkz, da coler black, bloood, ma bf Justin, rok muzik, suicide, vampirez, joel madden, edard kullen!!_

_dislikez: prepz, posers, pink, beng alive, homphobez, skool, life, barbie, flamerz_

_Fave muzik: GC, MCR, Evinezenz, Linin prak, BLINK183, mraliyn manson, panik at da desko, fal out boy, from first 2 last, hothorne hites, all da odder goofik bandz_

_lest faveorite musik: ASHLEEE SIMPSON britney spearz, hilery duff, linzee lohan ALL POP_

_Fav movies: cropse bride, mean gurlz, van helsing, any odder horror moviw, nightmare b4 christmas, da ring, da ring 2, da grudg 2, saw2 and saw 3, da omen, scary movie 4, cursed, n da grudge._

* * *

...Yeah.

I smell a troll, do you?

And what do trolls love more than anything?

ATTENTION!

So, by putting up those flames, and exposing her story, I got her even MORE attention.

Keep in mind, that I have YET to put up the flames from anyone who's SERIOUS about writing, and just has some asshole flame him/her for no good reason.

I only put up flames from stories that were just put there to piss people off.

And 'My Immortal' fit the bill perfectly.

Pretty much the only thing that I agree about in your forgettable review, is the fact that I'm writing a story that doesn't belong in the Naruto section.

But as long as I continue to have bad moods (like the one I got when I read your review), and as long as the people continue to like it...your thoughts mean less than nothing to me.

Sorry if I offended you in anyway, but hey...I made it clear that I only update this when I'm in a bad mood.

On the plus side, I did more than put your lackluster review (FUCK YOU. How Original.) in the next chapter. I made it a FULL chapter. Feel free to thank me at any time by giving me more ammo in the form of another flame.

As for the rest of you, Catch you Next Continue!


	4. Notice

Hello, everyone. King, here.

Believe it or not, I'm not in a bad mode this time. I just wrote this chapter to both announce something, and ask something.

First off, as you can see, I've moved this story to the Misc X-over section. You reviewers were right, I needed to get the story out of the Naruto Section. And hopefully, I'll get more readers as well.

Second, I've written this chapter to ask for your help.

Lately, I haven't seen any stories with really good (or stupid) flames. So, I was hoping that you could all help me with that.

If you know of any stories that has harsh flames, and does (or does not) deserve them, please leave them in a review, or PM me.

Trust me, looking at my work timetable for next week, I'll be in a VERY foul mood. So, if I can find some new material, I'll have the next chapter up by next week.

Thanks for any help you give, and Catch you next Continue!


	5. The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi

The Most Entertaining Reviews of All Time

Written by: Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR

* * *

Berserk Button pressed…

Urge to kill…rising…

Yep.

It's time for another installment of…

The Most Entertaining Reviews of All Time.

Now (depending on when this chapter is posted) it's been a few days since Mother's Day. While I like the holiday itself (Moms, at least good ones, deserve to be treated like queens every day, dammit!), what I DON'T like, for any holiday really, is Last Minute Jerkasses.

Granted, if your life was so busy that you didn't have a choice about the matter, or you didn't have the money until the last minute (or you're out shopping for your wife or Mom on Mother's Day), I don't blame you.

But if you were one of the people who were like (La La La…I still have 20 days left…I can do it later…I have 7 days left, so I'll do it tomorrow, la la la…OH, SHIT, today is the day!) and DID have the money for all that time, then FUCK YOU, good sir/madam. Not only do you create extra work for people unlucky enough to work on that day (like ME), but you come off as not really caring about the person that you're shopping for.

Anyway, that's what got me pissed enough to finally update this story. And boy, do I have a doozie for you today.

This fanfic comes from the depths of Kingdom Hearts, where Yaoi reigns supreme, and the girls get punished for just being 'In the way' of the glorious mansex.

But this fic (which I discovered thanks to TV Tropes), takes it to a whole new level.

And the name of this stain on the world is…wait for it…

…

…

…

The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi.

I am fucking serious.

DEAD. FUCKING. SERIOUS.

To cut it short, the title says it all.

Kairi gets brutally murdered by both Riku AND Sora, for daring to interrupt their 'alone time'. In the most blatant display of OOCness I've ever seen.

Just to let you know how bad it is, here's a couple of reviews from the fic.

And so you know, I agree with every review 120 Percent.

The first one is from Saint Joan Of The Roses.

* * *

_Wow…this is unbelievable._

_What did Kairi ever do to be labeled a bitch for?_

_I'm not normally the one to critique stuff this critically, but there's so much OoC-ness in this, that someone could choke and die on it._

* * *

You read that right. Kairi is portrayed like a bitch in this fic for the sole reason of having Riku and Sora get together.

Face, meet palm. Palm, Face.

The next review is from WrathofBalance.

* * *

_This is an ugly stain on the fan fiction world. You are a porn writer who hates women just because you want to see your men make out. You are a..._

_You don't even deserve the rest of my anger. Quit your day job!_

* * *

Scary thing is, she most likely DOES think that it's a job. Crazy, crazy girl.

And to prove my point, here's the next review from KMxHearts.

* * *

_I think you're disturbed in the head and need professional help before you kill someone._

* * *

Not to mention this review from Painted Teacups.

* * *

_You scare me. You really, really scare me._

* * *

See? Even the reviews think that this girl is insane!

Anyway, here's the final review from BlaqheartXZ, and it is by far the best one.

* * *

_This... This is difficult for me. Not because I'm saddened, oh how I wish that was so. No, it's because I am so mad that I can't sit still long enough to type this review. It is telling when "I", a complete stoic in regards to fan fiction, good, bad, or average, feel even the need to review something that is so disturbing, so sloppy, so canon defiling- hell, lets go all the way and say you completely destroyed the Kingdom Hearts characters very essences to fit your pathetic needs._

_Let me make one thing clear: I don't normally care about Yaoi pairings. In this fandom, one must get used to it. Hell, I'll even read a few if they are well written. I am a reader foremost, so even if something doesn't follow my kink or OTP or whatever the hell it's about, it at least deserves a look before I cry out "This sucks!" But this is also a double-edged sword for me, for out of the over fifty thousand fics on this sub page, only around five percent, Yaoi or otherwise, is complete and udder trash. That disturbing ninety-five percent is other wise made up of Mary Sue self-inserts and out of character Yaoi pairing stories. Take a sad wild guess which category you belong to, and don't even try to lie to yourself_

_You should never have approached a keyboard with the intent to type this story, plain and simple. First of all, let discuss your portrayal of Kairi for starters. For some reason, a disproportional amount of Yaoi fangirls hate her for the sole reason of being the favored female friend of Sora and Riku. Apparently, she is "Kepein teh 2 ov them apart!" so some god forsaken reason, even when Word of God has stated there are not even any romantic relationships going on among the main cast for pretty much that reason. So, I ask, why do you feel the need to ''rip'' the main cast out of character to stupidly murder Kairi for the aforementioned reason I really don't feel like restating. Any sensible writer would at least try not to jump on a pedestal to state their hate of a character, saving that for their blogs or such nonsense. The only possible reason that I can think of for this piece of crap even existing is that you either hate yourself, or hate the gender you were born as. I can't help but feel that you are venting some troubled life experience, that had plagued you for years, only able to vent through your pathetic attempts at writing. If it's that case, then I am truly sorry for you._

_If thats not true and you really are a barrel scraping twit, then I offer no remorse for my words. I can only hope you sit back and look at your life before you ever write again. Heaven ever help me if I need to write another essay sized review to another piece of trash again._

* * *

Almost in the same league as the last review from the first chapter of this fic, isn't it?

Now, normally I'd follow up with a 'Catch you next continue', and end the chapter.

But…no.

Not this time.

My mood is/was so bad, that I just had to take that one extra step.

And by extra step, I mean give an MST of said fic, just so you could see the shitty writing without having to search for the fic.

But it won't be me doing it. No, joining me today will be Naruto and Sasuke, the stars of my fic, 'There's Fanfiction about Us'.

"We're not happy about this!" Naruto shouted, tied up to a chair.

"For once, I agree with the dobe," Sasuke said, tied to the same chair. "Not only are you making us do this against our will, but you're going to make us do it in _Script Format_. That's just EVIL."

Well too bad. Doing it in script format is the only way to make it seem like a real MST. So deal with it.

Naruto: In your dreams, you…ah crap, you've already started.

Sasuke: You do realize that we'll get you back for this, right?

Do I look like I give a damn? Now get to work!

Naruto & Sasuke: (Sigh…)

* * *

**Hi this another fic but this was by me and not my friend**

_Naruto: Like that makes anything better._

**(but she's still cool lol XD)**

_Sasuke: Forgive me if I call 'Bullshit'._

**and I was just thinking of how much I hate Kairi (GOD she RUINS EVERYTHING!!!!!)**

_Naruto: Yes, because a girl who was kidnapped against her own will in the first game makes everything worse._

_Sasuke: It's a Yaoi Fangirl, dobe. Logic does not apply._

**and then I figured I might as well as torture her caus ei know it's what you all want to readXD**

_Sasuke: Or at least, that's what all people who lack a brain or common sense want to read._

_Naruto: Or people who get off on that type of stuff._

**there will also be lots of sora/riku (YAY YAOI!)**

_Naruto & Sasuke: BOO YAOI!_

**because I love it and kairi is an ugly bitch srsly how can eanybody LIKE her? GOD.**

_Sasuke: Yes, because god forbid that people have opinions or that useless thing called individuality. _

**REVIEW PLEASE and NO FLAMES**

_Naruto: Bit too late for that, bucko._

**because I really HATE them and its not fair caus ei work really hard on my fics and I don't give a damn about what you think about kairi this is my fic so I get my own opion so LEAVE IT.**

_Sasuke: She has a point. Someone who spells as horrible as her must have to work extra hard to create this…thing._

**The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi**

_Naruto: And the nightmare begins…_

_Alright this is the day_ Sora thought in a deterred voice staring straight ahead with his head held up looking over towards the papu isle where Riku was stood like always.

_Naruto: Was? You mean he had the smarts to get out of this nightmare before it began?_

It was the day. He was _finally_ going to tell Riku how he really felt and nothing was going to stop him.

_Naruto (Sora): Riku, I have something to tell you…_

_Sasuke (Riku): What is it, Sora?_

_Naruto: …I want you to kill me…before the Character Raping starts._

_Sasuke: You kill me first._

His stomach filled with butterflies, wingis gently brushing against the tender stomach lining of his stomach

_Sasuke: When did he sprout wings?_

_Naruto: And why are they trying to molest his stomach?_

as he marched forwards not stopping for anyone, not Selphie or Wakka or even-

"Hi Sora would you just get all this stuff for the raft!" Kairi shouted.

Shit.

_Naruto (Sora): Now I'll have to pretend I don't have a boner from staring at Riku Hawtness._

Sora turned around (knowing Kairi would only yell if he ignored her because she was a bitch)

_Naruto & Sasuke: DUH!_

and pretended to smile.

"Hi Kai-"

"Sora what the fuck are you doing you lazy ass?" Kairi growled, hands on hips as she glared strait at him.

_Naruto: Oh no! She's trying to turn him straight by glaring at him!_

_Sasuke: That's the only thing that'll save this shitfest!_

Oh fuck did she looked pissed. "We're going to off on the raft together and it will be all beautiful and we'll leave Riku behind and blah blah blah…"

_Naruto (Sora): Sorry, I tend to tune out anything with boobies._

Sora zoned out, thinking about Riku and how he was going to tell him; but he was snapped out of his dreams of muscles and silver hair and kissable lips by a shrill pearcing voice of Kairi bringing him out of his fantasies to face hell; Kairi was really scary when she wanted to be.

_Sasuke: If that was the case, then why isn't it called 'The Horrible Bloody Death of Sora?'_

_Naruto (Sora): Because I'm too sexy to die!_

"Sora, you're not even LISTENING to me, why the hell do I hang around with you you're such a stupid fucking-"

_Sasuke (Kairi): Gorgeous, hot, sexy hunk of man! Take me you bastard! _

"Hey Kairi," Sora suddenlyt said, a flash of genius sparking in his mind,

_Naruto: This should be good._

"I think I see Riku over and he's making kissy-lips at you and telling you to come over." Sora knew Kairi didn't even like riku but would go with him because she liked his muscles and manliness.

_Sasuke: Despite the fact that makes no sense, anything for teh mansex! (Facepalm)_

"Ooh, are you sure?" Kairi grinned, pulling her too-short skirt up so her pink lace panties were visible (The slut sora thought darkly)

_Sasuke (Kairi): At least I don't have a boner!_

_Naruto (Sora): Damn!_

and licking her lips.

"Yeah, go for it, girl."

Kairi grinned "okay I will" and walked off.

Sora sighed – at least that was taken care of at least. Now to

_Naruto: Run. Run far FAR away, and never look back. _

go and talk to Riku.

_Naruto: FUCK!_

"Riku, I… I think…" Sora sighed and looked down at the sand not quite sure what to say with bright red cheeks;

_Sasuke: It's okay, Sora. Everybody has that one drunken fling they'd rather forget._

god this was so HARD, he'd always assumed it would be easy but no, it was complicated.

_Naruto: Or rather, it would be if this had any speck of GOOD in it. But since it's a crappy Yaoi fic…_

"Sora… It's alright, I know," Riku whispered, cupping the younger boy's chin and bringing him up to face him. "I know how you feel because… well… I feel the same…"

Sora gasped "OMG really?"

"Really"

_Naruto:…There ya go._

Sora's heart rose like a hummingbird and his cheeks heated up,

_Sasuke: Why hasn't he got a nosebleed, yet?_

_Naruto: Silly Sasuke, people don't get nose bleeds in Non-fighting Video Games!_

it was better than he could've hoped ever ever in his wildest fantaises with no Kairi to mess it up (she was probably off fucking a tree thinking it was riku the stupid whore that she was, ytes she was THAT dumb)

_Naruto: Yeah, almost as dumb as the girl who put this eye stain on the internet to begin with…no, that's being mean. Tree-Fucking Kairi is nowhere NEAR as dumb as the person who posted this!_

as Riku pulled Sora's face towards his and smashed their lips together in a tender kiss.

"Oh… Oh _Riku_…" Sora moaned

_Naruto (Sora): Get off my foot, Asswipe!_

in his hot kiss as he kissed him back with passion, Riku pushing the younger boy up against the bark of the papou tree with hands in his hair and running down his jumpsuit leaving trails of blistening fire everywhere

_Sasuke: And me without gasoline._

and-

"OH MY GOD SORA RIKU WASN'T THERE!"

Sora and Riku jumped apart staring at Kairi as she glared at them with her hands on hips

_Sasuke (Kairi): Why wasn't I invited to the makeout fest?!_

"And I totally saw you making out you stupid _BITCHES_ Sora's MINE and I'm going to kill you both."

_Naruto: Because fucking a corpse would be so much more satisfying!_

Too bad for Kairi Riku and Sora both had wooden swords

_Sasuke: Which they pulled out of their asses._

and she had nothing but her stupid girly thasla necklaces,

_Naruto: Which she used to strangle the two of them to death. THE END!_

as she ran at them with mouth twisted into an angry screm sora and riku hit her in the stomach with their swords.

_Sasuke (Kairi): …Did I just feel a brezze?_

The breath knocked out of her she fell to the floor gasping

_Naruto: Must be one hell of a breeze!_

, Sora and Riku grinned and then knelt down as if to help her up but then let her fall back to th e ground hitting her again with their swords over and over as she thwacked into the ground until she stopped moving but was still breathing.

_Naruto: Character raping in 5…4…3…2…1…_

"This is for always being in the way you stupid BITCH!" Sora yelled, hitting her with his sword.

_Sasuke: Huston, we have lift off._

"This is for always spoiling me and Sora's moments you stupid FUCKING WHORE!" Riku yelled alongside Sora driving his sword into her stomach and splitting it as blood went everywhere in a shower of crimson.

_Sasuke (Riku): It's a good thing that I also keep a huge pencil sharpener in my ass!_

"This is for being UGLY!" Sora yelled again as his sword got into her open stomach and pulled out some swuishy organs and suchlike, sword govered in gore.

_Sasuke (Riku): And this is for being a girl!_

_Naruto (Sora): And this is for being with two hot boys like us! That's the death penalty, BITCH!_

"And this is for being KAIRI!" Riku finished it off with another thwack piecering strait thru her stomach into the other side.

But their fun wasn't over yet – both boys grinned as they stuck their fingers in her eyes and pressed down hard, hard, HARDER until they popped into a bloody mess and then tore out her fingernails one by one. After that they pulled off her clothes to reveal pink lazy panties and snorted at what a whoire she was as they stuffed her clothe sinto the whole in her stomach. After that they pushed the corpse into the ocean and watched it sink, feeling suddenly happier now that they were alone.

_Sasuke (Riku): There! Now do be next, before…_

Turned on by the fact they were now alone Sora and Riku turned back to eachother and started tro make out again with more passion thrusting their tongus down each other's throats energetically and grinding against each other's hips with eyes closed and moaning in lust.

_Sasuke (Riku): GODDAMMIT!!_

Selphie giggled as she pulled Kairi's corpse ashore all wet, wondering of all the fun things she could do with it.

_Naruto: Where the HELL did she come from?_

_Sasuke: Shut up, this filth is almost over!_

Damn bitch had it coming.

**A/N: because everybody wanted to do this to kairi really (LOL). i hope you like it and also the hint of yuri at the end because Selphie/kairi is HOT even if kairi's dead (shrugs) serves her right for bein a bitch XD. I hope you like it and NO FLAMES PLEASE.**

* * *

"Thank GOD," Naruto sighed as I untied him. "Glad that shit is over."

"You're telling me…" Sasuke said. "Well, see ya, Naruto. Coffee at Starbucks tomorrow?

"You bet. Maybe a nice Latte will rinse the foul taste I have in my mouth right now," Naruto replied, before vanishing in a puff of smoke. Sasuke did the same soon after.

Okay, that's all for this chapter! If you like reading shitty fanfics (God Knows Why), then take a look at TV Tropes, under the 'So Bad it's Horrible' entry. Hope you enjoyed, and catch you next continue!


	6. LightningHunter!

Sigh.

It's time for another installment of…

The Most Entertaining Reviews Ever!

And why is that, you ask?

Well, all of the credit goes to (pardon my French) a fucking cunt of the highest order that I had the misfortune of seeing at work today. Despite the fact that she had NO receipt on hand, she demanded to be allowed to exchange some coffee. And when the Checker refused, she threatened to just sit in front of the store until the Manager spoke with her, also threatening to make other customers leave with her bitchy attitude.

And she felt as though she was entitled to making an exchange without a receipt because of the fact that she had been shopping in my workplace ever since '76.

To quote The Miz: Really?

REALLY?

Anyway, let's forget about the selfish bitch and get on to the good stuff.

Today, I'll be showing you some choice reviews from one of the most vitriol filled people I've had the pleasure of knowing.

He's one of my fellow TFFers (The Fanfiction Forum), and he goes by the name LightingHunter!

I've seen some of his reviews, and I've gotta say that they deserve to be here.

I warn you, they can be quite long. So I hope you've got a game or snacks handy.

This first one comes from a fic called Naruto: Kitsune Juggernaut.

* * *

_Right. I'll go over what was bad first, and then go over what was good._

_My god. The first paragraph of the story. What the hell is that? Do you honestly expect people to read that huge wall of text? You seemed to have figured out where the Enter key is after the paragraph, didn't you even edit this chapter before uploading it?_

_"I should of used the fox" Three things. It's "should've." Next, Naruto did use the Kyuubi chakra in his fight against Orochimaru, although not intentionally. Lastly, Naruto did not use the Kyuubi's power consciously at this point, he didn't until Jiraiya._

_Mind you, that error is the smallest fault I find with this paragraph._

_He just happens to stumble across the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak? So there's no reason for it? Explain!_

_"Despite what everyone thought, he wasn't stupid" Did you watch a different anime? He is stupid, he just has his moments._

_Oh, and thanks for just announcing all his changes in powers and appearance. You have no idea how to write, do you? It's a chore to read this stuff._

_Now he just randomly hates Sasuke and Sakura? For no reason? And now he just randomly wants to make women his sex slaves?_

_Oh I see what this is. This is a parody of the usual shitty superpowered harem fic, by just making Naruto randomly get powers in the first paragraph, randomly hate Sasuke and Sakura and randomly want to fuck people._

_Oh wait. You're not smart enough for that. You actually are writing this shit._

_I mean, this is just quite interesting, because this paragraph is just all about Naruto's transformation, not into the Juggernaut, but into your self-insert. Into what you wish you could be. How Naruto is pretty much brainwashed into agreeing with all of your ideas and opinions and has been turned into pretty much just an OC with Naruto as his name._

_Really is interesting. Most people at least turn Naruto into their superpowered OC/SI gradually. This is just the first-fucking-paragraph._

_And even the second paragraph fails. The indomitable monstrous Kyuubi has now been reduced to a whimpering pussy._

_Oh good, a change in scene with "twenty minutes later". Are you incapable of incorporating this into the actual story that you need to write it out like this?_

_Nice to see Naruto is absolutely merciless and has no problems with murdering people all of a sudden. More proof he's your OC/SI. And by the way, Dosu used sound as his weapon. Sound. Objects, armour- they do not stop sound. You fucking moron._

_Kin's- oh my fucking god. "I'm an... F cup, I strap them down"_

_And then Naruto brutally assaults Sasuke after forcing Sakura to expose herself and when Sasuke was trying to defend her. Let's see. There's the guy who attacks his own teammate, who's just murdered two people and clearly wants to force himself on Kin, and then there's the guy who sees his teammate is being sexually assualted and tries to defend her._

_Huh. I wonder who I'm actually gonna see as the "little asshole" here and who's the real hero._

_"pull down his pants and underwear, and jack him off" No. You are fucking sick. And despite your hatred of Sakura, I bet you fucking got off on writing this festering shit._

_"Cross me and I'll hang you by your tits and watch you slowly starve to death" Again, why are we supposed to root for this prick? He's an unbelievable fucking douchebag._

_"gorgeous she suddenly noticed" He just threatened her into being his slave and now she thinks he has gorgeous eyes._

_Have you ever read/watched the actual Naruto manga/anime? I wouldn't be able to recognise any one of these characters if you just changed the names._

_Can this shit possibly get any wors-"you aren't even worth raping"_

_…_

_You are scum. Utter fucking scum in every sense of the word._

_This is actually fucking sick. This is a humour fic? What the fuck is supposed to be funny here? The fact that the reader is expected to applaud Nar- no, your self-insert's actions?_

_How is this even remotely like Naruto? There is no trace of him. No reason for believing that's him. No reason as for why he's like this._

_You might as well have changed the start of the first paragraph to- "you who read these words, shall become, forevermore, MikeJV37!"_

_HAIL MIKEJV37! FUCKING AROUND IN SOME DISGUSTING WORLD WITH NO RELEVANCE TO NARUTO! MIKEJV37, FUCKING AROUND IN A HAREM FIC, TURNING GIRLS INTO CARDBOARD CUT OUT SEX SLAVES! MIKEJV37, WRITING LEMONS OF HIS FANTASIES, AS HE DESPERATELY WISHES HE COULD GET LAID IN REAL LIFE!_

_Because that's all this is. A pathetic attempt to escape from the real world by writing a character who agrees with you, who goes around fucking the way you desperately wish you could, writing about his massive dick to the point I can't decide whether you're just writing to compensate or if you're just deeply in the closet and want to get fucked by one._

_Huh, I just checked your profile. You're in your thirties? Wow. I expect this sort of badly written bashing harem fics from thirteen year olds. Nice to see that wisdom doesn't actually come with age._

_And you've been writing for years? So you were once worse than this? IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE?_

_Single. Well, no surprises there, if your views on treating women are even remotely like the way your OC/SI acts._

_I'm just gonna rush through the rest of this fucking chapter of fail._

_So Iruka has no problems with Naruto being willing to commit murder. He's just "a little curious". And Sasuke and Sakura don't just tell someone like Kakashi or even the Hokage, because frankly, Konoha is a village that emphasises teamwork and the like and wouldn't fucking tolerate someone just beating the shit out of one teammate and then force him and another teammate to perform sexual acts for his own amusement._

_Plus, there's the sickening matter of how he treats Kin. "I'm going to be nice"- then let her go, you fucking prick. The fact it goes that she's "genuinely happy for the first time in years" is even more disgusting. Have you ever met a woman in your life?_

_What exactly are you trying to get across here? Having a fic that glorifies rape and essentially brainwashing, spits on comradeship, has no explanation for any event that happens, the protagonist isn't redeemable in the slightest, you clearly have no respect for the English language by how you mangle it-_

_And looking at your profile and just the summaries of your other fics shows me this is a running theme here._

_Just the work of some desperate pathetic scumbag. I mean seriously, are you joking about being in your thirties?_

_Was it hard getting there without ever getting laid in all those years?_

_Your obsession with writing about dicks that would be too big to fit, or breasts that would be too large- yes, in real life, there actually is a point where they're too large. I wouldn't expect you to know, given that your last experience with female breasts was probably over thirty years ago when you were still on your mother's milk._

_This is utterly disgusting fucking trash._

_I have seen some fucking disgusting shit on this site. I have seen stuff that has been so fucking repulsive I have almost doubted humanity for it. And this- this sort of bullshit pisses me off as much as mpreg fics._

_I knew this would be utter shit from the summary. Anyone who bashes characters is automatically a shitty writer. All I was hoping for was an "I'm the juggernaut bitch" moment that might have made me laugh. Instead I was left feeling fucking sick._

_This is fucking despicable. You would truly have some fucking nerve to actually refer to this anus scum as even a story._

_I doubt you've read this far, you probably quit the moment you realised this wasn't a review of glowering praise to stoke your miserable desperate ego. But if you are, hear this._

_You are utterly pathetic. What your morals, what your life must be like to come up with this fucking badly written trash and then have the absolute balls to upload it to the internet while labelling it as humour, I have no idea. Having seen the large quantity of shit in your favourites, I'm not sure whether I should be blaming you, the other fucking scumbags who no doubt inspired you, or the fuck whose challenge you responded to in the first place, but seeing as you were the one who typed it up, I'll go for you._

_You need to have your fucking head examined. But frankly since you've probably already been dropped on it several times as a baby and was then probably given a lobotomy at some point, there is unlikely to be any hope for you or the mockery of English that you call your writing._

_The only reliable cure I can think of is for you to off yourself._

* * *

I told you it would be long.

Next up is one from a fic called Wrath to Come. This one is in two parts, so enjoy.

* * *

_Huh. It's interesting that you called your fic Wrath to Come. Because you could give this review the exact same name._

_Chapter 1_

_"their D-rank mission where HE would do all the work while the rest of his team, his so called comrades, would sit on the sidelines" I'm already confused. Did you make this up? From what we saw of all the D-ranks Team 7, the three of them definitely split the work, although Naruto would typically get pain because he also fulfilled the role of comic relief._

_"Kakashi took Sasuke to a secret training ground where he would personally train the Uchiha in Taijutsu, Genjutsu, and Ninjutsu…hell, he even taught him some basic Kenjutsu". When the fuck did this happen? Kakashi didn't even start giving Sasuke training by himself till midway through the Chuunin Exam, and that was only because Gaara would've crushed him otherwise._

_"she was the itinerary of beauty" …do you know what an itinerary is? It's a planned route or a travel document! Sure, let's all start using completely random words to describe shit from now! "That Naruto, he's certainly the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork doing a raw blink on Hara-kiri Rock!"_

_"By the end of the week the two had grown extremely close" In a week? Have you ever been in a relationship before? Why was Haku even interested in him? What was the point of even making him a girl? And why was Haku hanging out with Naruto when she/he should've been taking care of Zabuza?_

_"he had to contain himself from attacking Sasuke" Why? Because Sasuke was a little pissed that these two people had tried to kill him? Judging how Zabuza attacked anyway, Haku did a shitty job of convincing him to join Naruto. Unless she was just pretending to get close to Naruto so she get could Team 7 to lower their guard- oh, she's sneaky._

_Oh for- why are all the jinchurriku here for the Chuunin Exam? They're not even genin! Why would they be interested? They weren't interested enough to show up in canon! Explain!_

_"a jutsu that returned one to the age of thirteen and erased their memories" What the- there's no jutsu I've heard off that actually reverses time for people! Stop making up stuff that makes no sense! If she's got a jutsu that strong she could rule the entire world!_

_And how the fuck are the demons all talking to each other? When could they do this? They're locked away in human containers! They're trapped at the moment! And what is up with their plans? If this was made before the demons origins were "explained" in the manga, well it still is a really stupid plotline! They require leadership? They're fucking demons!_

_Why's Sasuke randomly insulting Naruto? As I recall, he only usually did that after Naruto did something stupid. Since he's a moron, I suppose that did happen quite a bit._

_And why's Naruto acting like a massive tool? Just cos he lost his girlfriend he knew for less than a week? After she tried to help a man kill his teammates? I'd probably feel more gutted if someone stole my toilet seat. Wait I forgot, they were "extremely close"._

_Do you know what killer intent is, by the way? It's not some sort of magical aura, its actual intent to kill given manifestation. He wants to murder his teammates after a few nasty names? And Kakashi wants to murder him for wanting to murder his teammates for a few nasty names?_

_"what the hell is going on here" I agree with Sakura. Breaking the fourth wall, she's the best character in this by far._

_And why can Gaara tell that Naruto's a jinchuuriku? Why do you keep making people do things that never happened in canon with no explanation or reasoning as to why?_

_Oh, and Naruto's just gonna tell him about the Kyuubi in front of his teammates, in front of Konohamaru? The secret that the Hokage has made it law to keep secret and not to talk about?_

_"The Next Day" God, I hate it when people do stupid screen cuts or time skips like this. You did this a lot in this chapter. It's shoddy writing._

_"this story will have much bashing in it...very much" Here, let me edit that. "This story will be shit. Very shit."_

_Chapter 2_

_Why's Naruto attacking his teammates? So what if it's less competition? If they were retarded enough not to see through a simple genjutsu, they're not gonna be threats- in fact, why is Naruto capable of seeing through the genjutsu? I don't recall him being able to do so back in canon, or where it said in the fic that Naruto had learnt how to resist genjutsu._

_And why is Neji attacking him for such little reasons? Oh wait, bashing. For no reason. You fucking prick._

_""you have some nerve doing that to a fellow Konoha-nin." And I agree with Lee. Why is it I can agree with every character apart from Naruto?_

_And when did Naruto learn his own taijutsu style? In an extremely short time period? With no explanation as to how he could've learned it? Why do you keep doing stuff like this that makes no sense? EXPLAIN!_

_"the beatings he received growing up". When did this happen? There's nothing in canon about this! Considering how everyone ignored him to try and pretend he didn't exist, it'd be bloody hard to beat him up! WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING UP SHIT WITH NO EXPLANATION AS TO WHY?_

_It still goes on! Here's there this jinchuuriku referring to Naruto as his brethren! Why? They don't know him! Most of them don't even know each other! Just because they're containers, they don't want to be best friends!_

_Why are they protecting him from the Sound ninja? THEY DON'T FUCKING KNOW HIM! NINJA DON'T RANDOMLY PROTECT OTHER NINJA FROM OTHER VILLAGES BECAUSE THEY GET IN MESSES THAT THEY CAUSED THEMSELVES!_

_Sharing answers in the exam? They're not even genin! Why are they here for this goddamn exam if it doesn't concern them! Why are they suddenly best friends? Just because they're jinchuuriku? THAT'S NOT A REASON! THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT IN CANON! WHY IS IT DIFFERENT FOR NO REASON?_

_Sure, this is fanfiction, we expect it to be different from canon- but we fucking expect reasons why! The only thing that could qualify as a reason is that Naruto's girlfriend who he knew for less than a week is dead! And that only can explain why he's such a dick!_

_It doesn't explain his superpowers- training alone when he's got nothing new to learn isn't gonna help him! It doesn't explain the brethren shit! It doesn't explain why everyone's a dick! It doesn't explain why the fuck the goddamn Kages are showing up to escort jinchuuriku who aren't even genin to a Chuunin Exam!_

_And the jinchuuriku are all really fucking annoying dickheads, Naruto the worst. Why is he taking Haku's death so hard, if that's what made him like this! He never turned into this after Sarutobi or Jiraiya's deaths in canon and he knew them well for fucking years!_

_…_

_WHY THE FUCK IS THE KYUUBI NARUTO'S BUDDY ALL OF A SUDDEN? HE HATES NARUTO! THE FIRST FUCKING TIME THEY MET INSIDE NARUTO'S MIND HE TRIED TO IMPALE HIM ON HIS CLAWS! THE KYUUBI HAS NEVER HAD ANY INTEREST OTHER THAN SURVIVING, GETTING FREE, AND KILLING PEOPLE!_

_THIS ISN'T EVEN ANYTHING YOU CAN EXPLAIN! THIS TAKES ALTERNATE CHARACTER INTERPRETATION, AND BUTT FUCKS IT!_

_God, I don't see how this can get more retarded- *looks a few lines down*_

_Why do you keep trying to make this fic stupider with every passing sentence? Naruto could sing Sweet Transvestite at this point and it'd be completely normal for this fic._

_How the fuck does a human become the Jyuubi? THEY'RE FUCKING DEMONS!_

_Okay, I'm gonna take a very deep breath before I start on Chapter 3. Oh, and I don't recognise most of the authors you talk about in your AN, but those I do are pretty shitty, so that explains quite a bit._

_Chapter 3_

_"especially given the hateful prejudice towards their race" Duh, maybe it has something to do with the fact the demons like fucking killing people on a regular basis. You know, I'm not a man who likes prejudice or stereotypes, but as reasons go for prejudice, there's a good one._

_…_

_"the 3rd demon era" Wha? "old demon lords" Eh? "one supreme lord" What is this- "caste system of 12 lords" Erm- "fallen dragon clans" Do what? "a thousand years training" You have got to be- "young demon prince" Stop for one moment- "letting a few tears fall from his eyes" Kyuubi's crying-? "allowed ourselves to be sealed" What the fuck? "we could only be sealed a few times" I don't even-"we spent 300 years searching" I just- "Urufu-chan" Dumb! This is fucking dumb!_

_You can't be fucking serious here! How could you come up with this crap? I mean- gah, what the fuck am I even reading? Has this turned into a crossover with some other manga?_

_The whole demon lord/caste/clan shit is just retarded! There's no way around it! And anyway, that's a shitty way to reveal backstory anyway. Again, why is the Kyuubi completely different? Oh, and you forgot to explain how searching for a new leader translates as murdering hundreds of humans!_

_In fact, why the fuck is Naruto on their side? What happened to being acknowledged by the village and becoming Hokage? This abomination isn't remotely like Naruto and we have no reason as to why! I actually prefer canon mentally retarded Naruto over your fanfic fucking dickhead Naruto!_

_Oh, and by the way, Hinata has a thing for canon mentally retarded Naruto, not fucking dickhead version. I'm not sure why she's still even remotely interested in him._

_"He had spent a week developing it" Oh for fuck's sake, we never knew before he was making this magical smoke and poison pill? He's never done anything like this before! There's no way that this could seem plausible! Way to pull Deus Ex Machinas out of your arse!_

_I'm just gonna rush through this._

_Medusa- eight tails- jinchuuriku helping out- Orochimaru is the rival- this is just fucking stupid! How can you not see this? What's wrong with you?_

_I desperately want to stop but a part of me needs to see how bad this can get._

_One last thing. Why bash Sasuke if you're gonna make Naruto act like him?_

_-LightningHunter_

* * *

And here's part two.

* * *

_And I'm back to continue my review._

_Chapter 4_

_You have no idea how to write a fight scene, do you? You started three fucking lines, right after the other, all with "Kyuubi managed to" "Kyuubi then used" "Kyuubi saw the". That is not good writing._

_"Her friends Kurenai and Yugao followed her as well as Kakashi, Asuma, Gai, and Hayate" When the fuck did they get here? Hayate is the only one out of that entire mix who actually has a reason to be there, considering he's one of the exam proctors. Yugao is in fucking ANBU. Why is she hanging around a Chuunin Exam location? The others are all team leaders- and so they wouldn't be nearby, in fact, they'd probably stay away on the grounds that it might look like they're trying to help their students._

_"like a rhino through wet paper." I'll show you how good that simile is with my own. It's so cool it's like looking at a miscarriage._

_"was this really her Naruto-kun?" No, he's turned into a dick. Nothing like the cheerful inspiring guy that she was attracted to._

_"nine months of waiting" Are you a retard? Foxes do not have the same fucking reproduction systems as humans. All you had to fucking do was look on Wikipedia and you couldn't even manage that._

_And why the fucking fuck is the Kyuubi supposed to be good here? Making Orochimaru seem more evil doesn't solve the problem, that this a fucking demon who massacres people._

_"'H-Hinata-chan'" Yes, because seeing her moments away from death is enough to make Naruto realise he has feelings for this girl he's barely spoken to and suddenly starts calling her "-chan". Oh, and Hinata doesn't know any medical jutsu. At least definitely not pre-timeskip. Once again- EXPLAIN!_

_"Why is it that someone so pathetic, one who shows no qualities of a bloodline, demon blood, or any other great qualities besides an extremely low chakra pool, can survive such a mark?" Holy shit, Sakura's the most badass character in this fic. Oh, and she doesn't have "an extremely low chakra pool", she just has an average genin chakra reserve that's small in comparison to Naruto and Sasuke, both who are stated to have large chakra reserves, Naruto more so._

_""my own daughter…?"" I'm sorry if this is supposed to be a dramatic moment, but all I can think of when I read over it was "I am your father!" "That's not true, that's impossible!" "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!" "Noooooo!"_

_"Naruto who was slowly dying" If only we could be so lucky._

_"What happened here demon?" No. Absolutely no citizen of Konoha dared to break the Sandaime's law. Apart from traitors who were planning to escape the place anyway. Once again, shit happens for no valid reason._

_Ah, the battles. Firstly, the jinchuuriku all so far seem to read like OCs anyway, so I'm paying them very little attention here. Nice to see Yugito's such a fucking bitch for no reason. Are we actually supposed to root for her?_

_Chapter 5_

_"Arrogant much dog food" "Those that heard Naruto's crack at his clan cracked up laughing" Oh, that's so funny. Ha ha ha. I can't stop. Ha ha ha._

_By the way, your fight scenes really fucking suck. They're so slow paced and dull it's more like a kid recalling a fight they saw in the playground rather than something dynamic and fast moving._

_"Kiba was second best in Taijutsu in the academy" When did anyone say that?_

_"he had taken up a team was to be Sasuke's sensei…he felt he owed it to Obito" This seems nothing like the Kakashi I've seen in canon. Considering that Obito emphasised teammates and looking out for the team, I can't see how this could be seen as honouring his memory._

_"Naruto, Kirabi, Fu, Utakata, Han, Roshi, Yagura, Yugito, Gaara, and Amaru were releasing a small amount of Killing intent and were directing it at the Hyuuga prodigy." Are you seriously fucking kidding me? Why would half of these people care?_

_And why is Gaara acting nice for no reason? Just because he's hanging around other jinchuuriku? That didn't seem to stop him when Naruto told him he had his own demon in the hospital._

_Chapter 6_

_Boring, boring, boring…._

_"is if a tie is brought, but according to clan laws, that means both of them will advance to the final rounds" Hm. I wonder what the result will be?_

_Again, boring, slow paced fight scene…_

_"he had no say in clan matters" He's Hiruzen Sarutobi. The Sandaime Hokage. He's the goddamn Professor. He leads the village. We're talking about two clans both with a single person. He scared the entire village's population so much that no one talks about Naruto containing the Kyuubi because they're shit scared of what he'd do in retaliation. He can do whatever the fuck he wants._

_"a clanless loser like Naruto" It's like you stopped bashing Sasuke at first, when you showed him thinking of Naruto as a rival instead of a loser and made this clan honoured duel bullshit, and then thought "nah, that sounds silly, back to bashing!"_

_"you must kill that thing for corrupting the Uchiha." Why are Koharu and Homura showing blatant favouritism to Sasuke? But I don't know whether this chapter was released before it was revealed they all fucking hated the Uchiha, so I'll just leave it._

_"there is no way you will beat Neji…you just don't have the capability" Now you are really going to extremes to find reasons to bash Kakashi. Firstly, this is nothing like his character. Secondly, he just fucking saw Naruto beat up Kiba and go on to have this massive demon showdown shit with Sasuke. What the fuck?_

_This is so stupid I can't wait to see the next dumb plot twist-_

_"standing in the middle of the room…was the Yondaime Hokage himself…"_

_M. Night Shymalan would be proud of you._

_Chapter 7_

_I've actually warned about this chapter. So I've prepared, by removing all sharp objects from the room, and consuming a measure of scotch whisky. Let's go._

_"Hey Ototou…how are you?" What the fuck? OC sister now? You've pretty much turned every character into an OC, was another one really necessary?_

_Still, an OC? That it? Huh. I guess my precautions were just-_

_"we could control Kyuubi's power" … "you seal it inside of him…for power" … "arrange a marriage between you, and your sister" … ""I HAVE NO FAMILY!" … "what I was forced to do to stay alive" "revealing his chest…and all his scars" "beaten and tortured from the time I was three years old" "he then pissed on the wound and covered it with salt" "tied me to a cross and rammed a wooden stake into my chest" "you forsook your own child " "you…are worse than trash" "Minato and Kushina curled into a ball and began to sob" "Uchiha Aura…younger sister of Uchiha Madara…"_

_…oh dear fucking God._

_You absolute wanker. I can barely believe what I've just read, but I don't want to read it again in case it's real._

_This is just the epitome of fail. The amount of plotholes. The shitty writing. You've absolutely raped characters. Destroyed everything we know about them to the point that this is a Naruto fic purely because of the names stamped over your OCs._

_The plan. Minato was regarded as a fucking genius. He would never have come up with any of this. What happened? Did his mum drink while she was pregnant with him in this world? Did he have a lobotomy at some point?_

_The characters. Minato and Kushina sacrificed themselves for Naruto. Kushina let herself get stabbed by the Kyuubi because she was protecting Naruto. And yet you actually try to write a fic depicting the Kyuubi as good and Naruto's parents as retarded evil people_

_The torture. It doesn't matter how many people write about it. This never fucking happened to Naruto. It's fanon. And these scars- no, you should've mentioned those before. At least half of this fucking trash seems to have been made up on the fly. And Kushina made a perfectly valid argument. If they had listened to the Yondaime's wishes, the torture would've never happened._

_And I should've known why you were stopping bashing other characters. Because you were going to bring in even more characters to bash. Except that, when debatably Team 7 and Neji may have done some things to deserve bashing, Minato and Kushina haven't. And this isn't bashing. This is bending them over your desk, anal raping them, destroying their character, making them do arse-to-mouth, sticking a nuclear warhead up their violated rectums, and then launching them into the stratosphere! And then revealing you had their genetic data, so you could clone them to do it to fifty more clones!_

_I can't believe a guy who talks about common sense in his profile has the gall to write this. I never imagined how much hate I could have for a harem fic before I even made it to the harem aka your sick fantasies of getting with all the Naruto girls._

_Seriously. The OCs, Naruto's sister and Madara's sister-when you put that in a chapter and make it seem inconsequential, that is fucking bad. This is so bad I still haven't even mentioned that the sealing would require a soul and thus Minato would still be dead. Or how the amount of torture would've killed Naruto, or how Kyuubi healing is defeated by blazing stakes, medical chakra and piss, and museum artifacts._

_YOU FUCKING CUNT, CAN YOU EVEN READ WHAT YOU'VE WRITTEN?_

_As this fic seems to get worse and worse as time goes on, I'm just gonna stop here. I don't think I can actually survive something worse than this, because you've set an entire new low. I'd rather read fucking yaoi than this shit. I'D READ IT AND I'D FORCE MYSELF TO JERK TO IT AS LONG AS I DIDN'T HAVE TO READ THIS AGAIN._

_I'm gonna stop now, because the character limit for reviews is running dangerously low. But fuck's sake, I have so much more I could say. So listen very carefully. Print this chapter out. Preferably on good, thick paper. Then take the sheets, and shove them down your fucking throat. If there isn't enough, print multiple copies! Whatever it takes for you to choke and die on this anus scum._

_-LightningHunter_

* * *

Damn, just using these three reviews has gotten my word count in Microsoft Word to over 5000!

Not to mention 13 pages!

LH makes Flame Rising look like a novice!

I'd love to put more, but I can't find any at the moment. Rest assured though, I'll update this chapter if I do!

Anyway, hope you got some laughs. And let's pray that the next update takes even longer.

'Cause hey, I only update this when I'm in a bad mood. And it wouldn't look very good if I updated this frequently…

Catch you Next Continue!


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